Monday, June 27, 2011

Our walk with PURITY week 2

Walk with purity Week 2 has very real content. This is something that

 really happened... I also want to be sensitive to the fact that some may

 find it hard to read. so please consider this before reading on.

I choose to remain anonymous to protect the emotions of my family.
Dear Lord,
please use my story for your glory.
My story is not quite as glamorous as the previous story.
I did not save sex for marriage.

Growing up, I was taught by my Christian family that sex was for marriage. No questions asked. My mother was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, and was, therefore, extremely protective of me and did not allow me to be alone with boys or men.

I was 19 years old and in college, freshman year.
I was extremely fit, and visited the gym at all hours of the night.
One night after leaving the gym I went to the restroom to freshen up before heading back to my dorm.
There was a strange man in the lobby of the bathroom when I was leaving, and he startled me. I simply avoided eye contact and darted for the door. He grabbed me from behind and began to sexually assault me. He did not rape me.
Rapenoun, verb, raped, rap·ing.
1.the unlawful compelling of a woman through
physical force orduress to have sexual
2. any act of sexual intercourse that
is forced upon a person.

He proceeded to call me profane names and pulled a knife out of his pocket. I seriously thought I was going to be dead. I thought he was going to slit my throat and leave me for dead. Afterwards I wished he did kill me, but I later found peace. He stuck the blade of the knife (approximate 7-8 inches) inside of my vagina. As you could probably assume, I began to bleed and feel excruciating pain…. That’s all story that I can share, I don’t really remember what happened from this point. I know I ended up at the hospital with people I didn’t know, and I told no one.

This lead to extreme emotions as you could imagine.

I attempted suicide.

I didn’t want to be alive.

Skip forward about a year.

I’m in a serious relationship now and begin to feel guilty. This guy that knows me so well has not even seen me like that creep saw me. I hated that I had “given myself” to a stranger, not my boyfriend. I beat myself up and felt like “he deserved to have sex with me.” I gave in and we had sex. We had lots of sex. I didn’t feel guilty about having sex with this guy because I knew I was going to marry him.
Until we broke up. Then I felt like I ruined myself.
Cue depression.
Cue giving up on marriage && boys all together.
Then I found my husband who loves me no matter what. He loves me even though I had not stayed pure. He loved me even though I had physical and emotional scars. He loves me even though I bled profusely sometimes we made love. He loves me even though I sometimes freak out when I’m reminded of that horrible bathroom scene. Husband loves me even though I had a flashback and began to kick and punch him picturing that evil man.
My view on sexual purity?
It’s so much more than physicality.
In order to remain pure physically, one must remain pure emotionally.
The eyes are a lamp unto our heart.

Proverbs 4:23 says that “
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Sexual purity is remaining pure in what…
 you look at.
what you say.
what you listen to.
who you hang out with.
If you let it creep into your life in your music, you will become immune.
I used to think it was ok.
Now I’m married and have drastically changed my mind.
Just the other day husband and I were having some problems.
I was not being compared, I was comparing myself.
To my old self. To my 20 year old self who could push my body and move in ways that are not possible today. I feel guilty for not being able to give that to my husband. I know that I have been redeemed and forgiven, and my husband is “200%” satisfied. The thing people always say is “remain pure & pursue those who are pure so that you won’t be compared to another girl.”
Well, I’m the one who does the comparing.
College self with lots of energy and in shape and very flexible.
Career self who works 40+ hours a week and is always tired and has arthritis.
{note, husband and I have found was to still remain passionate despite my physical ailments, wink}

I encourage you to remain pure…
1. Because the Lord commands us
2. Because your husband deserves it
3. You will beat yourself up in your sexual relationship with your husband more than you think. You will compare yourself to your old self. You will feel guilty. It’s not worth it.

Also, if you are a sexual assault victim, PLEASE PLEASE tell someone. It’s too much for one to bottle in. I became suicidal, and I didn’t deserve that. I did myself a big disservice by not accessing the resources available to me.

Now, I have a husband who loves me even though I did not remain pure.
And guess what? I’m healed. Praise the Lord! We’re going to be able to have children. The doctor said my stuff is “textbook.”
Also, comment here with your email address if you’d like to ask further questions or ask for advice.I will respond and counsel as much as I can.


  1. i am sorry... for your burden. your pain. your experiences. your hurting. i am thankful that God heals - forgives - loves - cherishes His children. thank you for sharing - you are touching so many lives today by sharing your story. your hurt. your pain. may God continue to use you for His glory {amen for that husband of yours - may God receive all the glory}.

  2. Wow I am so sorry for what you had to endure. I cannot imagine what you felt. I am so thankful God brought you to the other side and that you are seen with God's eyes by your husband :) I am praying that God continues to use your story to bring people closer to him! God is so good and this world is so horrible. I am praying for you, thank you for sharing


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